My mom is terminally ill with cancer. I’ve devoted so much time helping her. This has all been so painful, yet such a blessing to be able to be there for her. I have discovered that I have had a deep need to write, to somehow put to words my various thoughts and insights I am gaining along this difficult part of my journey through life. I want to remember this time, to embrace any lessons learned. Often, I have found, the greatest lessons are taught in the midst of the painful experiences life offers. So, if life is teaching me, it might be worthwhile to take notes.

I am now staying with my mom, sleeping on her sofa, so that she can have 24 hour care. The lights are out, except for a small nightlight, and the glow of my notebook computer screen as I type. I had already turned out the lights, and was lying here, listening to the soft gurgle of the oxygen machine, as it pumps the oxygen, helping my mom breathe.

I thought about this “writing mood” I’ve been in, as I looked up at the dark ceiling over me. I wondered what I might write next. Then I was thinking about the fact that I’ll some day want to look back on these writings, and by then, I’ll know the story. I’ll know what happens next. For now, I don’t know what comes next and when. All I can do is live life, and see. And along the way, I will make choices that affect what I experience and what I learn, but I can’t know the story until I live it.

That’s when the insight came to me, prompting me to get up and write a little more. It was the realization that whether or not we actually put down our thoughts into printed words, we are each in a sense writing the story of our lives. I don’t know my story until I live it, and that is true or each of us. It’s not the words we write that matter. It is the choices we make that is important, for THAT is truly how we write the story of our lives. Whether it is printed or not is not nearly as important as whether we make our story a good one. Our real story is based on what we’ve done with our lives, not what we’ve written about ourselves.

I wish I knew what was happening next in my story. But I guess I might not really want to know. I am ready to wait, and just live it, and see. In the mean time, I hope I can make this final few pages in my mom’s story a little easier.

For your life story, I hope it’s a good one.

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Copyright: Please do not republish any of these writings without first obtaining my permission. (You may contact me by clicking on the Contact Kevin link).  All of my writings are Copyright (c) 2005 Kevin Gourley. All rights reserved.   Any reference to them should also reference the web page address as well.